


7th November

by tealdrops



Category: Produce 101 (TV), X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Bad English, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, Slight seungyoun/hangyul later on the chapter if you squint, english is not my first language im sorry, this is just me through all the things that has been going on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-26 16:38:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21377212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tealdrops/pseuds/tealdrops
Summary: Hangyul couldn't breathe. What about his poems?
Kudos: 21





	7th November

Hangyul couldn’t breathe. Every intake of breath was heavy and painful. Hangyul couldn’t think straight, and his chest hurts.

His eyes felt hot, he didn’t want to cry, but it’s getting harder now that he’s finally alone in his confinement. He knew that none of it is his fault. It’s just really hard not to blame himself instead.

What ifs. His greatest enemy. What if he worked harder? Would people still question his presence? What if he moved stronger? Would his blood, sweat, and tears be acknowledged then?

They know it’s not their fault. They had nothing to do with it. But that didn’t stop people to point fingers, to blame, to try hurt them with their words and accusations. 

Hangyul didn’t want the younger ones to feel hurt. They’re too young for the cold words. Too young for the blame and the tale-tell of failure. Good god, Dohyon is too young to bear the responsibilities the adult left them with. 

Hangyul couldn’t breathe, and now he couldn’t hold back his tears. 

He tried not to look, not to see. But everything was getting harder to do when all the people online only got resentment to spread. If only Hangyul stopped seeing, maybe he could spare himself the hurt. Maybe. Maybe. 

Hangyul said he was okay. Of course, what else could he say in front of the kids? He had to be strong, he had too. Else the kids would be terrified, knowing the pillars they’re holding on to were crumbling. 

But Hangyul knew. Knew that even Seungwoo was furious. Knew that the oldest, behind his soft smiles and careful words, held the strongest iron heart to protect them from perils.   
Hangyul knew that Seungyoun, through his easy facade, that he was afraid. That each night, Seungyoun prays for the group, prays for the new family he gained through his wounds. Prays for the safety of them all.

Hangyul knew that despite seemingly demure to everything, Wooseok cares. Too much and too deeply. Hangyul knew Wooseok cares so much, that he needed reassurances that everything is going to be okay because all he wanted was for everything to be okay.

Hangyul knew, that despite being new to the industry, Yohan learned the hardships and sharpness of public tongues all too quickly. Knew, that Yohan is hopeful of his new choice of dream. Knew how hard he worked to catch up the years of training he had yet gotten. 

Hangyul knew that even age didn't let them be braver sometimes. Because right now, Hangyul doesn’t feel brave. He’s trembling, and the tension coursing through his body wasn't keen to give him a break.

Hangyul was terrified. He was scared. He was afraid of a lot of things. 

Right now, he was terrified of losing. 

Losing his chances. Losing his tune. Losing his rhythm. Losing his friends. Losing his new family. Losing his dreams. Losing his younger brothers. Losing to his fears.

Losing his breath. 

Because he couldn’t breathe. Hangyul swore phantom hands were holding his neck, restricting him to inhale. Because everything hurts, his chest, his throat, his eyes. 

There’s wetness on his cheeks. Hangyul knew what it was. 

There’s darkness on the edges of his vision. Hangyul thought he had time, was he finally losing?

  
If only Hangyul could breathe, he’d make his poem. 

  
A poem for each of his new family he’s trying so hard to protect. 

For Dohyon. His brother, baby brother. Of how talented he is, how he is so loved. How Hangyul would love to be his real brother. Even in the next life. How he’d fight the world to protect him. How Hangyul would get his hands dirty, and let black and blue bruises color his body, to do any means to let Dohyon keep his innocence. How Hangyul would hold his hands every step of the way and won't let him be alone. 

  
For Hyeongjun. The most adorable younger brother. Of how amazing he is in Hangyul’s eyes. How his dance could inspire others to work hard. How his big doe eyes could move even the meanest heart. That Hangyul would love to hold onto him, because Hyeongjun is so lovable, that Hangyul had a hard time knowing that there are people out there trying to hurt him.

  
For Eunsang. The most thoughtful teenager he had ever met. How his voice is everything Hangyul ever wanted his to be. How Hangyul would let him throw punches at him when he laughs because the pains are worth Eunsang’s giggles. How Hangyul would do anything to let Eunsang sing longer and louder in front of thousands and thousands of people who’d appreciate his voice the way Hangyul does. 

For Minhee. The fearless guy everyone needed in their lives. About how Hangyul appreciates the way Minhee became an irreplaceable presence in the group. How he was such a good friend and a good brother. That Hangyul sees the way he secretly takes care of everyone, the way Minhee tries to take care of him. To say thank you, that despite putting a brave front, Minhee sees through him and tries his best to comfort Hangyul. 

For Dongpyo. The best entertainer Hangyul had ever known. That he doesn’t have to pretend when they’re not in front of the public. That Hangyul knew how hard it is to smile and laugh when everything feels frail and on the brink of tipping. That the sharp words of the people are not what he should be putting on his heart, but instead to put the love words and poems made for him. That one day, his steps won’t feel light anymore, but Hangyul would be there to help him walk when the day comes. 

For Junho. The one with the most words to say. That Hangyul listens to him, even the ones he’d forget eventually. That Junho should say everything he feels because then Hangyul would know what’s inside his mind. Because Hangyul would love to get to know him better. About how his talking voice is as soothing as his singing voice, that Hangyul loves listening to it. To let him know that it’s okay not having any expressions on his face because his voice is the one with emotions. 

For Yohan. His best friend. To let him know, that Hangyul is proud of his choices. To let him know, that even Hangyul is not as brave as Yohan, to have left a world, that promises carpet of roses, for something so new and so uncertain. To let Yohan knew, that Hangyul would love to walk him through the darkness of insecurities, because Hangyul had been there alone, and the least he could do, is to not let Yohan be alone when the darkness came to him. That Hangyul is so thankful Yohan came to his life, because now he had someone to lean on when everything gets too heavy to bear alone.  
For Wooseok. Who was an unexpected strength. That Hangyul sees through his coy facade. But Hangyul wants to let him know, that he was so thankful for Wooseok, because his confidence brought all of them up. That Hangyul knows he secretly cares so much, and Hangyul loves it when those feeling extended to him too. Hangyul wants Wooseok to know, that there will be no more hurt, because Hangyul knows the pain Wooseok once felt, only made him stronger. 

For Seungyoun. The one whose smile Hangyul wants to protect most. Because Hangyul knew how hard he works. Because Hangyul knew, behind all the love he’s giving others, he’s the one that needed it most. That even though Seungyoun claims to be one of the pillars of X1, Seungyoun needs someone to be his pillar too, and Hangyul is more than willing to take that role. That Hangyul knows how much he misses the stage, and Hangyul won’t let anyone take it away from him. Knows how important music is for Seungyoun, and Hangyul will do anything to keep Seungyoun singing. 

For Seungwoo. The most important piece of chess that is X1. Their protector, their leader, their strongest piece of defense. That Hangyul is so glad Seungwoo is willing to take X1 as his other family. That Hangyul will never know how heavy his shoulder is, that Hangyul will never know how much weight he has to bear, but that he is willing to help Seungwoo keep his back straight and taut. That Hangyul knew, he keeps zoning out because there are just too many things in his head, that sometimes the responsibilities and the pressure gets so loud he needed time to quiet it down, to douse it down. 

But Hangyul couldn’t because there was no air getting into his lungs. Everything was blurry now, Hangyul’s going to pass out. 

Hangyul knew he’s going to pass out, because his head feels light. His breath had gotten quicker, but nothing filled his lungs. He didn’t remember anything before his panic attack. Did he lock the door, will Seungyoun complain because he couldn’t get into their room?

Just as Hangyul was about to succumb to the darkness, a hand was holding him tight. Hangyul held on, he needed help. Hangyul begged to have someone force air into his lungs. 

Someone cradled him close. 

Someone help him.

**Author's Note:**

> With all of the things that has been going on with X1 lately, I get pretty nervous. I realised I had this on going theme of people being anxious and having panic attacks in my writings because I tend to pour feelings into my words and the people I used as characters are basically me feeling anxious and often having panic attacks over things. 
> 
> At this point, I just wish X1 will be happy. This writing simply depicts my reaction through the problems through Hangyul's point of view. 
> 
> Another thing, my overflowing love words for Hangyul, I will put into another writing. Through Seungyoun's 'point of view' in my mother language. Because then, I will feel completely bare and truly honest.


End file.
